I Know Who Killed Me

I Know Who Killed Me
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neal McDonough, Brian Geraghty
Directed by: Chris Sivertson

Style: Cryptic Kidnapping
Blood and Guts: 4
Fright Factor: 2
Laugh Factor: 1
Weapons of choice: Dry ice, glass knives
Overall rating: 1 out of 5

New Salem is being terrorized by a brutal serial killer who abducts and tortures young women, holding them captive for weeks before murdering them. Aubrey Fleming (Lohan), an aspiring writer, becomes his latest victim when she disappears without a trace during a night out with her friends. Days later, she shows up missing an arm and leg, having apparently escaped the clutches of the killer. However, she has no memory of her life, insisting that she is Dakota, a stripper who came to town after he hand mysteriously started disintegrating. Now, the FBI and family try to make sense of it all while Dakota/Aubrey continues to have nightmares that the killer isn't finished with her yet.

My main problem with this film is that it looks and feels like it was made to be this cryptic puzzler of the horror movie, keeping the audience in the dark as the tale unravels a bit at a time. Instead, the movie is so overt with its metaphor and symbolism that half the time it feels like you aren't even watching a story but a representation of a story. Lohan is decent, but the script never really sets any pace that can drive the film. There are too many facts being tossed around in the hopes of keeping the audience guessing. Instead, I just stopped caring what was happening. The ending appeared obvious, but I was wrong. That is, until I found out that the original ending had been that, but test audiences said it was too predictable, so the film chopped off the real ending. As a result, we get another horror film that just ends suddenly with several unresolved issues.

Horror movies also need to come to the realization that they either have to run in the land of realism or push the fantasy they are creating. If you try to throw a fantastical concept into a film pushing itself as reality, the audience scoffs at you. Without giving away the plot, I am referring to how Dakota / Aubrey loses her hand. Also, never introduce a robotic arm and leg unless you think you are being funny or know how to maintain tone. This movie does not.

Another unfortunate consequence of the director thinking he is the next Fincher or Lynch is the very overt use of red and blue throughout the entire film. Every scene has several objects almost glowing by the mere fact that everything else is so drably colored. The audience in my showing started calling out "Red" and "Blue" to mark just how much it was happening.

This movie is bad. It has potential, but the director and screenwriter do not have the talent to make anything of this very sloppy movie. Surprisingly, I don't blame Lohan for anything other than wanting to be more of an adult actor, so she chose the stripper movie. It's destined to be reshown at many late night crap fests for years to come.

The Mother of Tears

Mother of Tears
Starring: Asia Argento, Daria Nicolodi, Moran Atias, Udo Kier
Directed by: Dario Argento

Style: Pandora's Box
Blood and Guts: 5
Fright Factor: 4
Laugh Factor: 2
Weapons of choice: Knives
Overall rating: 5 out of 5

An ancient urn is discovered during a dig outside a Rome graveyard. The priest examines its contents and decides to send it along to an expert in the occult at the Rome Museum of Ancient Art. As expected, one of the expert's assistants manages to accidentally summon the evil within, a terrible witch named The Mother of Tears. The Mother sets about stirring up chaos in the world, leading people to fight in the streets and commit horrendous acts merely because she is now loose. The only one who may be able to stop the Mother's rampage of chaos and evil is Sarah (Argento), daughter of a now deceased white witch. Sarah must discover her own power before finding the secret lair of the Mother of Tears and end her reign of terror.

Dario Argento is considered by many to be one of the greatest horror directors ever. His ability to blend surreal imagery with horrific sequences is a talent not seen elsewhere. There is an artistic quality to his approach. This film has suffered much criticism for being less than his normal artistic venture, yet the film perfectly blends horror and the surreal, leaving the audience unable to guess from moment to moment what might happen, and there lies the strength of this film.

The story does wander a bit, but the experience is much more of a ride that the audience is dragged along with. From the opening murder of the museum assistant to the abrupt ending, the entire film functions in a nightmarish dream, with moments so visceral that even hardened audiences might find themselves shocked, yet many things also left the audience giggling and the oddity of it all. For example, Sarah has a few sequences where she is being pursued by a howler monkey. It is funny, yet there is a sinister undercurrent to it, as we don't know what will happen if she is caught. Everywhere Sarah goes, people who assist her are brutally murdered, frequently with a overtone of disbelief from the audience. Did she just lick her tears of fear? Oh, and now she's horribly murdered! The direction is so masterful that even when a scare is telegraphed during one sequence, the entire audience still leapt from their scenes and screamed.

Overall, there are very few films like this one. It creates an entire world that is so surreal it makes the audience both laugh and scream, and by the end, you cannot believe what you just saw. It's a rare treat to get that from a horror film.